I think shortly after I posted in March, things started to unravel for me. Isn't that just how it goes though?
It's been a rough patch for me. Not anything too incredibly huge or earth-shattering to really topple me over. But lots of dents, dings, and little things that just kept coming.
A passing comment on an online forum about "a big girl" showing up to exercise after a workout I did with one of my coaches....ouch.
The high-fiver who treats me like a high school boy he coaches rather than a woman he could respect.
Getting sick for 12 days around Easter...I had no idea 30-somethings could get ear and sinus infections.
Going to Michigan over my birthday and having my niece ask me "Why did you move to Colorado?" And having a really hard time coming up with a good reason. (It was a great visit home.)
Getting matched with a 37 year old "man" who turned out to be jobless, homeless, and eats out of trash cans. *sigh*
The realization of being 34...
...and also realizing I needed to go back on my anti-depression medicine. A hard pill for me to swallow.
Life felt "perfect" before this...and yet, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. And I found myself asking, "Why even try?" And thus the pendulum has swung back to the depressed, lonely, food-medicating, not exercising, and other self-medication side of life. Shame has set in and set up camp.
I can't even bring myself to let Jesus in.
Pray friends, pray.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Waiting...
I've been told --and I think I'm seeing -- that I'm doing well.
...and all I can say is, FINALLY.
(glory!)
For maybe the first time in a looooong time, I can see healing and growth. Recognizing patterns and ways I used to do things. And feeling peace in who I am and how I'm made.
I saw this so clearly in recent interactions with someone. I feel calm despite knowing their intentions for our friendship. I feel known by my Father and I am hopeful. God's love has been rooted and established in me and it's growing. I see so much healing and growth in my heart regarding men and how I typically want to rush ahead. I've been able to slow down and breathe and be.
Peace.
Be still.
A breath prayer that I find myself uttering on my way into work...
...around my roomate...
...after a long, incredibly hard day at work...
...after a high five instead of a hug goodbye...
Peace....
Be still....
I pray I would believe the generous heart of God -- that He doesn't hold back but gives fully and completely. That I lack and will never lack for anything. That I should ask and expect a husband, a man who loves You wholeheartedly and loves me. My fear and doubt start rearing their ugly heads as I feel like there is no such man suited just for me. Someone who will love all the idiosyncrasies of who I am.
So I pray --
Peace.
Be still...
...and all I can say is, FINALLY.
(glory!)
For maybe the first time in a looooong time, I can see healing and growth. Recognizing patterns and ways I used to do things. And feeling peace in who I am and how I'm made.
I saw this so clearly in recent interactions with someone. I feel calm despite knowing their intentions for our friendship. I feel known by my Father and I am hopeful. God's love has been rooted and established in me and it's growing. I see so much healing and growth in my heart regarding men and how I typically want to rush ahead. I've been able to slow down and breathe and be.
Peace.
Be still.
A breath prayer that I find myself uttering on my way into work...
...around my roomate...
...after a long, incredibly hard day at work...
...after a high five instead of a hug goodbye...
Peace....
Be still....
I pray I would believe the generous heart of God -- that He doesn't hold back but gives fully and completely. That I lack and will never lack for anything. That I should ask and expect a husband, a man who loves You wholeheartedly and loves me. My fear and doubt start rearing their ugly heads as I feel like there is no such man suited just for me. Someone who will love all the idiosyncrasies of who I am.
So I pray --
Peace.
Be still...
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Stunned...
I found out the other night that a former roommate of mine was killed.
You can read the shocking story here.
The way I even found out was jarringly awkward. A random Facebook message from a mutual friend.
The whole situation feels...awkward. Raw. Unfinished.
A life cut short.
She was only 27 or 28.
Death is not fair.
Our roommate situation did not end well. We were never close but had several mutual friends and had been in the same small group for awhile. When I think back to six years ago, I cringe at who I was. And then mix that with who she was at that time...a young 21 year old who had no clue what she was doing. A struggling college student with a boyfriend several years older than her. A mother who didn't know what it meant to be a mother.
I hate that things never got resolved between us. I hope I made every effort to be "responsible to, not for" as our year of living under the same roof came to a close.
I hate all the emotions that are percolating in me...as I have another roommate situation that hasn't been idyllic. (Does that even exist?)
Never in a million years did I want to hear this kind of news. My heart is truly heavy for her family, her friends, those she loved and let love her. I pray that her restless spirit has finally found rest.
Seabrooke Tyler Mooney - an original from start to finish
You can read the shocking story here.
The way I even found out was jarringly awkward. A random Facebook message from a mutual friend.
The whole situation feels...awkward. Raw. Unfinished.
A life cut short.
She was only 27 or 28.
Death is not fair.
Our roommate situation did not end well. We were never close but had several mutual friends and had been in the same small group for awhile. When I think back to six years ago, I cringe at who I was. And then mix that with who she was at that time...a young 21 year old who had no clue what she was doing. A struggling college student with a boyfriend several years older than her. A mother who didn't know what it meant to be a mother.
I hate that things never got resolved between us. I hope I made every effort to be "responsible to, not for" as our year of living under the same roof came to a close.
I hate all the emotions that are percolating in me...as I have another roommate situation that hasn't been idyllic. (Does that even exist?)
Never in a million years did I want to hear this kind of news. My heart is truly heavy for her family, her friends, those she loved and let love her. I pray that her restless spirit has finally found rest.
Seabrooke Tyler Mooney - an original from start to finish
Seabrooke, Stephanie, Kelda, and me - our joint housewarming party
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
A new beginning...
I want 2014 to look different. To not be a repeat of all the recent years where I keep hoping that Mr. Right finally gets a pair and asks me out. Not once, but for a lot of times. And then it turns into something forever.
Or that I finally make some steps towards dreams of moving or adopting. But those things take money. And the one thing I don't seem to manage very well has a very controlling grip on me these days.
And so, New Years Day started in a tailspin.
I don't do resolutions. They never stick and they just annoy the crap out of me because it's one more thing I haven't done well. (Yes, that's my perfectionism shining right on through.)
Over the course of a few weeks, God spoke to my heart. He reminded me that He sees me and knows the desires of my heart. The desire to be someone's someone. To start a family. To travel the world.
But He also gently reminded me that He's got so much MORE than my own dreams and desires. He knows them but also knows that they won't fully satisfy me once I get there. Through a series of events, lots of snot and tears, and grace for myself I feel lighter. And I came up with a list of goals for 2014. So that when December 31, 2014 rolls around, I won't have that moment of panic wondering where the year went and what did I do with my time, efforts, and money?!
Melanie's 2014 Goals (pulled straight from my journal):
Go after the "more" in my spiritual journey.
-spiritual direction
-healing prayer nights
-risk and try to pray with more people
-get to the root of my addiction(s)
-practice solitude, fasting, etc
Give Online Boot Camp even more energy
-try to drop 20 pounds by Memorial Day
-say yes to more physical activities
-hike/climb a 14er!
Get my finances straightened out, defined, and organized
-pay off debt
-save for a car
-save for a trip to London
I pray that as I lean into the "more," You would reveal the softness and vulnerability You've placed in me. That You put them there and they are beautiful qualities of who I am. That I would cherish and appreciate and grow in these ways even more this year. That I could be myself but also draw back in certain situations.
Amen.
Or that I finally make some steps towards dreams of moving or adopting. But those things take money. And the one thing I don't seem to manage very well has a very controlling grip on me these days.
And so, New Years Day started in a tailspin.
I don't do resolutions. They never stick and they just annoy the crap out of me because it's one more thing I haven't done well. (Yes, that's my perfectionism shining right on through.)
Over the course of a few weeks, God spoke to my heart. He reminded me that He sees me and knows the desires of my heart. The desire to be someone's someone. To start a family. To travel the world.
But He also gently reminded me that He's got so much MORE than my own dreams and desires. He knows them but also knows that they won't fully satisfy me once I get there. Through a series of events, lots of snot and tears, and grace for myself I feel lighter. And I came up with a list of goals for 2014. So that when December 31, 2014 rolls around, I won't have that moment of panic wondering where the year went and what did I do with my time, efforts, and money?!
Melanie's 2014 Goals (pulled straight from my journal):
Go after the "more" in my spiritual journey.
-spiritual direction
-healing prayer nights
-risk and try to pray with more people
-get to the root of my addiction(s)
-practice solitude, fasting, etc
Give Online Boot Camp even more energy
-try to drop 20 pounds by Memorial Day
-say yes to more physical activities
-hike/climb a 14er!
Get my finances straightened out, defined, and organized
-pay off debt
-save for a car
-save for a trip to London
I pray that as I lean into the "more," You would reveal the softness and vulnerability You've placed in me. That You put them there and they are beautiful qualities of who I am. That I would cherish and appreciate and grow in these ways even more this year. That I could be myself but also draw back in certain situations.
Amen.
(thump, thump) Is this thing on?
Oh goodie.
Another person who thinks their voice deserves to be heard...
You might be thinking this. Or not.
I really don't care.
What I can't ignore and avoid is the fact that over the years, yours truly has had a niggling.
An itch.
A dream...to write.
To express my thoughts.
My hopes.
My struggles.
My dreams.
My frustrations.
So, I guess I'm going to start here.
Welcome.
Another person who thinks their voice deserves to be heard...
You might be thinking this. Or not.
I really don't care.
What I can't ignore and avoid is the fact that over the years, yours truly has had a niggling.
An itch.
A dream...to write.
To express my thoughts.
My hopes.
My struggles.
My dreams.
My frustrations.
So, I guess I'm going to start here.
Welcome.
A Hopeful Mother's Day (re-post from FB)
A Hopeful Mother's Day
My sister-in-law shared this amazing email with me...I'm at a loss for words, but wanted to share because it meant so much to me.
Melanie,
Melanie,
I read something today that made me think of you. It was a tribute to Mother's.....eyebrows raised? Yes, a tribute for Mother's Day and I thought of you. Hopefully when you read this excerpt you will understand:
"I think about Mother’s Day as a celebration of everything about women that makes the world a place worth living in. There are all kinds of Mothers out there who don’t have any kids right now (for one reason or another) that carry with them this same magic–this ability to listen and care and nurture and wipe away tears and teach and whisper when everyone else is yelling. Some of those mothers are waiting to have kids of their own, and some of them may never have kids, but the heart and the value of what it means to be a mother is buried in every woman, and it brings a peace that is always needed. So let’s take some time today and thank God for the wisdom to know that the world needed women/mothers–For more than just their ability to be encouraging and nurturing and hard-working and lovely and patient and strong and understanding and compassionate and trustworthy and even being able to transform a house into a home."
Melanie, I see these in you and are sharing them/using them.....even without current biological children. Thank you for being who you are and giving of yourself! I love you!
Nicole
From the bottom of my heart, thank you Nicole. This means so much to me as I think of all the kids I love - near and far - and hope to one day call my own.
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