A new beginning...

I want 2014 to look different. To not be a repeat of all the recent years where I keep hoping that Mr. Right finally gets a pair and asks me out.  Not once, but for a lot of times.  And then it turns into something forever.

Or that I finally make some steps towards dreams of moving or adopting.  But those things take money. And the one thing I don't seem to manage very well has a very controlling grip on me these days.

And so, New Years Day started in a tailspin.
I don't do resolutions. They never stick and they just annoy the crap out of me because it's one more thing I haven't done well. (Yes, that's my perfectionism shining right on through.)

Over the course of a few weeks, God spoke to my heart.  He reminded me that He sees me and knows the desires of my heart. The desire to be someone's someone.  To start a family. To travel the world.

But He also gently reminded me that He's got so much MORE than my own dreams and desires.  He knows them but also knows that they won't fully satisfy me once I get there. Through a series of events, lots of snot and tears, and grace for myself I feel lighter.  And I came up with a list of goals for 2014.  So that when December 31, 2014 rolls around, I won't have that moment of panic wondering where the year went and what did I do with my time, efforts, and money?!

Melanie's 2014 Goals (pulled straight from my journal):
Go after the "more" in my spiritual journey.
-spiritual direction
-healing prayer nights
-risk and try to pray with more people
-get to the root of my addiction(s)
-practice solitude, fasting, etc

Give Online Boot Camp even more energy
-try to drop 20 pounds by Memorial Day
-say yes to more physical activities
-hike/climb a 14er!

Get my finances straightened out, defined, and organized
-pay off debt
-save for a car
-save for a trip to London

I pray that as I lean into the "more," You would reveal the softness and vulnerability You've placed in me. That You put them there and they are beautiful qualities of who I am. That I would cherish and appreciate and grow in these ways even more this year. That I could be myself but also draw back in certain situations.

Amen.